These dialogues are worth of a Pulitzer prize.
Yes, that’s Spid… Peter Parker there.
Did you honestly think modern comics had better writing than the oldies I normally show you?
One of the Best comic book covers of Doc Doom out there I mean
Just look at how happy he is.
You’re mistaken, minion. This isn’t a what-if scenario. This is how Doom ALWAYS is!
I’ve made guest posts about two of my favorite Marvel villains: Super-Skrull and Thanos.
And now, as I mentioned the other day… it is time for “Doom’s files” to talk about someone who is not a villain (maybe).
A very important post, because it’s about the most important figure in Doom’s life, even more important than his beloved mother. You know who it is:
Reed Richards is a genius scientist, so much of a genius in fact, that he is the only one whose smarts can match those of Victor Von Doom.
People may passingly see this guy and think he’s an eccentric, quirky scientist, the good counterpart to the evil doctor Doom.
Well, you may not believe I am not saying this as a biased Latveria’s chronicler, but…. think again, buddy. The fact he calls himself Mr. Fantastic, while he refers to his best friend as the Thing, should give you a little tip that intelligence isn’t the only characteristic he and Doom have in common….
GAH!! At least Doom has the decency to wear a mask when he makes these faces!!
And Doom had the decency to not have children. The poor kiddo.
There is however one thing in which Reed Richards definitely surpasses Victor Von Doom.
(Important: you must play https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnHmskwqCCQ while reading this for the full effect.)
(You may now proceed to stop the Yakety Sax theme from playing…. or not.)
Blablablah… gosh Reed, you speak with walls of text.
So here’s the thing about Reed Richards, aka “Mister Fantastic”….
….Reed Richards is just the same kind of person Doom is, but he is seen as a hero wherein Doom is seen as a monster.
Doom looks at Reed like in a mirror, and sees what he should have been: a man with friends, a wife, a kid, a Nobel prize and the admiration of the world, and no need to hide his face.
Reed looks at Doom like in a mirror, and sees all the megalomania, the egotism, the hunger for self-recognition, the disdain for those of inferior intelligence… that he feels too.
Is it any wonder they hate but need each other?
Be happy!! :)
…… or DIE.
(Sorry for the long hyatus, people! Your chronicler of Latveria is preparing another long post! And another guest star: can you guess who? It’s the most important person in Doom’s life!)
Oh man, this dialogue is so bad that for many months I assumed it was a fanmade edit meant to be humoristical.
Instead, it’s an actual comic book panel by no less than Brian Michael Bendis. Oh boooyy.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, supervillains and superheroes, to another episode of…. Doom’s files!
Today’s guest star is Thanos.
Thanos is a god-like sorta alien creature who looks a bit like a purple skrull. Some version of the characters do interpret him as an half-skrull god.
Thanos has two amazing superpowers. One is the Pimp Hand
….And the other power is the fearsome ability to make your gaze focus on his crotch, at all times:
He always, always makes sure to sit with his legs spread.
And look, I am not imagining things!
Apart from those two incredible powers, he also has the help of two trinkets: the Infinity Gauntlet that gives him godlike powers, and the Cosmic Cube. The latter you might have seen in the recent Avengers movie, only they called it the Tesseract and Loki was using it.
The Cosmic Cube is an amazing weapon who can reshape the universe
so it’s really important that it doesn’t fall in the wrong hands
and that’s why… uhm…
…Well, you know what, let’s forget about the Cosmic Cube.
What really defines Thanos is that he is in love with Death. As in, yes, the abstract concept of a biological fact.
But here’s one thing that the even majority of Marvel fans don’t know.
There was one time Thanos tried to get closed to the destroyer of worlds, Galactus.
Sadly, the date didn’t end too well. Thanos got a little too…. grabby.
And you thought I was only making this up for the laughs.
Ok. So maybe the one thing that REALLY defines Thanos is that he’s the most powerful villain of the entire Marvel universe.
Nobody can stop him.
Thanos! The all-powerful, mighty Titan!
Recently, I have not been a good chronicler. I’ve failed to discover great and novel deeds of Von Doom to report in my blog, and why, it turns out I have even accidentally let an unrelated comment about a non-Marvel character slip through this official Latverian blog!
To avoid ending up in one of Castle Doomstadt’s p̶r̶i̶s̶o̶n̶s̶ reform institutes, I’ve decided that, whenever I’m running out of Doom material, I will make a post about a guest Marvel character.
And the first guest character can’t be anybody else but a personal favorite of mine: Kl’rt, the Super-Skrull.
LONG IMAGE-FILLED POST BELOW AHOY!!
As you surely know if you’re reading this, skrulls are a technologically advanced race of green aliens. They may look like ugly frog-imps or fair greenskinned elves, and then sometimes an artist comes and draws them like this:
Enjoy the very sexy skrull lady on the center. You’re welcome.
The Super-Skrull is actually Kl’rt, a skrull soldier who was modified to have all the powers of the Fantastic Four. Then he was sent, alone, to conquer the Earth.
Which he did.
….By just landing on some city, getting out of the flying saucer, and proclaiming that Earth now belongs to the skrull empire. There. Done!
The comments of the bystanders immediately set the style of the episode, and that style is: the Three Stooges!
But don’t misjudge him. He’s an extremely dangerous threat to Earth and the universe.
Threat level: battering ram
What really makes him so dangerous isn’t his superpowers, but his cunning and intelligence.
One might wonder how would such a powerful warrior fall from the grace of the skrull empire.
Or one might wonder how come the authors themselves don’t even bother to check their facts and ask the fanboys to do the job for them.
But he’s no villain, or at least, he’s no villain if you’re an Empire-abiding skrull. And after all, he even has a human friend, the space superhero Nova.
So beware of the Super-Skrull, if you unwittingly decide to stand in his way. Because he’s a soldier who fought many battles, and who doesn’t go down easily even if you’re a superhero.